Divorce Co-Parenting Tips
Chief PeaceKeeper Scott Levin 0:00
Hi, everyone, Scott Levin cheese peacekeeper, how you doing? I am here today with my good friend Carly Israel. How are you, Carly?
Carly Israel, Parenting Coach 0:11
I could not complain. I’m very good,
Chief PeaceKeeper Scott Levin 0:14
good. Carly is a co parenting coach, the podcaster extraordinare. Her podcast is called in your corner and an author of second and inches. How are you?
Carly Israel, Parenting Coach 0:30
Yeah, that’s okay. I am in your corner divorce if you want to find it, and everything. And all we do is we focus on how we get to make these impactful decisions about how to not mess up our kids.
Chief PeaceKeeper Scott Levin 0:42
I love that. So Carly, how did you get into the the world of divorce,
Carly Israel, Parenting Coach 0:46
right? Like who wants to be? Yeah, how did you get into this world? So I’ll tell you how I got into this world. I went through my own divorce. I’ve been through a lot of things in my life and going through the divorce through the decision, and the divorce was the most painful thing I’ve ever done. Because my biggest fear was I’m going to mess up my kids, and who wants to mess up their kids, right? And everyone says, you’re going to mess up your kids if you do this, and you should save it. And I googled, should I save for the kids. And Google did not tell me. But the mayor told me and my soul told me and I knew. And so when I went through it, I said to myself, I don’t want to mess up my kids. And there was a guy that is also Scott. So apparently Scott’s are awesome. And he was successfully divorced nine years. And I said to him, please tell me what to do. And he said, Do you know what the North Star is? And I said, No, I’ve heard of it. But I don’t really know about it. He said when sailors are lost in the dark, and they cannot find their way home, they look to the north star to guide them, and your children are going to be your North Star. And whenever you don’t know what to do on this scary, you know trip of divorce for the rest of your life, you’re going to look to what’s best for them. And that’s how you’re going to move forward. And that is what I do. So I created a program a coaching program about North Star divorce. And I only work with clients who do not want to mess up their kids, which has some work with it. Right? We were talking about that before there’s some work that needs to be done. Absolutely.
Chief PeaceKeeper Scott Levin 2:17
You are actually you actually gave when we were talking before you gave a really good example about a you know, t ball game. Can you talk a little bit about that.
Carly Israel, Parenting Coach 2:26
So I have two rules. The first one is super obvious, everyone talks about it, you’re not allowed to say anything negative about your parent, your children’s parents in front of them, including if someone else is in the room and your children are in earshot. Even if they’re on digital, you shut that down. And the other thing is they have to sit in the same section row seating area as the other parent at all public events. So concerts baseball, soccer, graduation. And the reason is, and by the way, when I tell my clients this, it’s like I’m asking them to give up carbs. And I’m like, Look, no one’s gonna harm anybody, you’re in a physical safe place, right? No one’s gonna do anything. This is not about you what you want. This is about your children. And if your kid is lucky enough to hit a ball, which is very hard to do, right, and they can make it to first base and they look up for one second to find their parents to get that Attaboy, you’re at a girl, you better be in the same space, so they don’t have to look in one area and then another area because you’re so selfish. You can’t sit near each other. That’s so cool. I
Chief PeaceKeeper Scott Levin 3:29
love that. And Carly has I work with Carly in my practice. I said she helps my clients form parenting plans so that when they come into mediation, I am I’ve read a lot about parenting, but I am not an expert. I’m more someone that like you know, can give a little advice. But you know, depending on the kids ages, how many where you live how far apart? You know, it’s not always black and white. So I like to send people out to parenting coaches and experts that can give solid advice. And one of the things tell us so you have the five session plan, but in that five sessions, you do the two letters written from the kids. Can you talk about those? That’s so awesome.
Carly Israel, Parenting Coach 4:13
Yeah, I love it too. So I’m all about get rid of your garbage. It’s blocking you because what everyone wants to do. And I’m sure you hear this all the time in mediation, they want to tell you the story of what happened and why the other person is wrong. And here’s the truth. We don’t care about your story. Like your story doesn’t matter anymore. It’s over. Like, let’s deal with the story and get through it because it’s about your kids, right? It’s about how you and about you growing and becoming and having a Renaissance and meeting new people and all that jazz. But after we get through the junk hallway, I make them write two different letters. They don’t know they have to write two they think it’s just one at first. It’s kind of like, this is Two Jews talking but it’s kind of like the ghost of Christmas Past. So like remember that movie a long time ago when they did that? You know, Marie? Yeah. Yes. biller. Thank you. Thank you. And so I say you need to write a letter from your children. As if they’re in their 30s. And you have to write as many letters as you have children. And each letter has to come from your children saying to you, how you mess up their life, how you never were able to show up how you always put them in the middle, how you always said negative things, even though you didn’t think you were how you blamed the other parents and what that did to them in their current adult life. And then they have to read it to me and it is brutal, then I say, now you have to write another letter, same deal. But as if you made the decision right now, to take the high road, to suck it up and smile, to be a Grammy Award winning actor and show up, I had to do that for two years before I believed it. And to just be a good human and get over yourself. So your kids get to have Halloween together, and you don’t miss a trick or treating. And they get to go to fireworks together and their birthday dinners. And it’s about two of you who at one time wanted to be together forever, for whatever reason didn’t work out. Now, your job for the rest of your life, not just solar 18 is to parent and raise them. And so I say to them, which letter Do you want to receive in 20 years, it’s totally on you. And then they get to go forward with whatever that is, I can only help them get to one of them. Everybody else can get to the other one.
Chief PeaceKeeper Scott Levin 6:14
And when when people, what are some of the reasons that people choose the bat, you know, the negative path when you present that to them. They’re selfish. That’s it.
Carly Israel, Parenting Coach 6:26
I know it sounds so simple, but they want to stay stuck in that story. Because that story is serving them in some gross way. They’re talking about the infidelity or if you knew what would happen, so guess what, you’re not together anymore. It’s gonna suck for a couple years while you guys both figure out how to do this new world and co parents and back and forth and all that. But guess who’s going to suck more, guess who’s gonna feel that pain more, because when you’re doing the miserable legal stuff, and not using mediation, which I think is so much better, one of us with your kids while you’re getting a bad email, a bad call bad text, and guess who’s going to feel that pain? You don’t think that they’re going to feel that because you think you’re being quiet, but they hear everything, and it’s painful for them?
Chief PeaceKeeper Scott Levin 7:09
I couldn’t agree more. And, you know, it only gets more complicated, as you know, from personal experience, and just in the business of divorce is that, you know, right now it’s just between the core family unit, US and the kids. Well, what happens when you bring in step mom stepped at
Carly Israel, Parenting Coach 7:33
the lower with that. So I am remarried. And my current husband has an x. And I my was Ben is what I call my ex, because he was my husband. He’s in a new relationship, not new, he’s in a relationship, lifetime partner, they’re probably gonna get married, they’re together all the time. And that relationship has been the only part of our Northstar divorce. That’s been not fun. And that is because the woman he is with is threatened by our co parenting situation, and feels left out and blah, blah, blah, and does not want him to show up how he said we are going to so one of the things I do with my clients is called nuts and bolts, and we go over things to bring to you to say, look, Scott, we already figured this out, you don’t even talk about it just let’s agree upon this and write it in, for example, we told our three boys, we’re gonna have dinner with you on your birthdays once a year, just the five or the Oji family. And they were like sweet, we love that. But we didn’t put it in our plan. And then when a new person came in, and they didn’t like that, because it wasn’t in our plan, it’d be it’s become an issue. And my youngest son is really unhappy about it and brings it up all the time. And there’s nothing I can do other than to keep trying to work with my co parent. But for for whatever reason, it feels easier to follow that when it’s already written, then you can blame it on your divorce. You’d be like, Look, it’s in our divorce. What do you want me to do right now? Yeah, this isn’t about you. Right. And so the other thing I would say to people is if you’re with someone that is not okay with that, say goodbye. Because why on earth would you want to invite somebody into your family in your children’s life? Who isn’t okay with your kids? Getting to spend time with both of their favorite humans?
Chief PeaceKeeper Scott Levin 9:27
Right? Oh, yeah, no, totally. That’s like a red flag. And, and the fact that you have that personal experience, and you can help people beyond just coaching and then learning through coaching, you know, I think, you know, makes you a thought leader. You know, it was one of the reasons you’re a thought leader in this industry. And we’ve connected I’m in San Diego, you’re in Cleveland. It’s incredible how, you know, the peacekeepers of the world. You know, United
Transcribed by https://otter.ai